


I Didn't

by Lucenthia



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Character Death, POV Second Person, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-12
Packaged: 2019-09-30 21:24:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17231462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lucenthia/pseuds/Lucenthia
Summary: By the end of the second Giant War, Nico's accomplished a lot. There's a lot he's done, and a lot he's seen. But after falling in love with Will, he realizes that sometimes what didn't happen, and what wasn't said, holds far more weight than what was.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this was originally a oneshot that I wrote a while back, but I accidentally deleted it, and upon reposting, I decided to split it into two chapters. We're acting as if ToA hasn't happened. As always, feedback and reactions are really appreciated. Hope you enjoy!

I didn’t. Not in the infirmary when you frantically treated the infected leg wound of some Ares camper, not behind the Hades cabin after I held your hand as Chiron burned Kayla’s funeral shroud, and not as you fell to your knees and locked your arms around them outside the infirmary that night. I didn’t, not even as I clutched your hand before you left for the last time.

It started during the Halloween campfire in October. I had been going to enough of them and was starting to tolerate them. Jason didn’t have to drag me there anymore. I would never have admitted this, but I enjoyed watching you and your siblings lead the rest of us in a sing-a-long about Odysseus and how he shot all fifty of the traitorous suitors.

 _Ninety nine Traitorous Men On The Floor_ always left a nice feeling in me after belting it out with the other campers.

I had also noticed how you were always the loudest at the start, but once everyone was bobbing along to our own off-key voices, you would retreat and stare at the flames. Music was one of Apollo’s gifts, but you never seemed to like it. You would stare at the fire afterwards, sometimes with a content smile on your face.

This was the year we defeated Gaea. It had only been a few months since the earth had settled, and the camp was still getting used to having less people around. People had died in that war, even though most of us had moved on.

We hadn’t. I hadn’t moved on because I _felt_ the death. I was capable of feeling life, of course. You, Jason, and Reyna were filled to the brim with life.

But I also felt death.

And so did you, though not because of your parentage

The Hephaestus and Hecate campers had been working together on this special campfire for weeks. It had been the talk of the camp, and everyone, even Hypnos’ kids, came to watch. The campfire started a normal orange like always, but tonight the Hephaestus kids had drawn a large circle around the campfire and we knew something big would happen.

I was standing at the back, a few yards away from the crowd. The jostling irritated me. I couldn’t see much at first, but then the fires turned purple and shot at least thirty feet into the sky. The fires painted abstract silhouettes of the war. We saw Reyna on a Pegasus soaring down in a roar of purple sparks. Her figure twisted and morphed into Festus, who spiraled back into the air again. Purple flames suddenly changed into yellow ones and became quivering figures of the giants that charged around the campfire.

Campers yelled in delight and fervor. A tongue of yellow flame branched out from the fiery giants and snaked around the fire pit. It turned into a deep orange, and now looked like an army of campers. The crackling flames clashed in a storm of sparks. The fires depicted the battle that had taken place almost exactly three months ago. The fires flared different colors and grew ever higher as campers cheered and whistled.

I didn’t. I let my face get seared by the repeated images of giants dying. What the Hephaestus and Hecate campers had forgotten to include was the campers that had died on our side. They showed giants dying in excellent detail, but none of the campers ever fell. I knew it for the lie it was. I had stood to the side while Roman and Greek demigods alike burned funeral shrouds to say farewell to the dead.

The show didn’t seem to be ending any time soon, so I retreated into the forest. The noise and cheering of the crowd wasn’t for me. I had only been walking for less than a minute when I heard leaves rustling behind me. I was brooding about the war, and my instincts from back then took over. I drew my sword and rested it on your throat before realizing what I was doing.

You yelled and stumbled back. So did I, to be honest. Each of us had scared the other. “Will!” I said, “What are you doing?”

“Says the guy swinging a sword at me?”

You had a point, and I quickly sheathed it. “You just startled me.”

“Sorry.” You shuffled from one foot to the other. Then you asked, “You didn’t like it either?”

I shook my head. “As someone who will probably see more dead people than live ones, I don’t like it when people don’t even recognize when people die.”

You nodded and hesitated with your mouth hanging slightly open for a second, then said, “Eighteen.”

“What?”

“Eighteen Greek half-bloods died during that battle.” You looked at the ground as you continued, “I don’t know how many Roman ones died.”

I remembered how Orion had slaughtered most of the Hunters and Amazon warriors. Suddenly neglecting to respect the dead and focusing on victories seemed more offensive. I suppose as a child of Hades I should have been more aware of things like that.

You were still shuffling from one foot to the other, and I felt obligated to reply to you. I thought for a moment and asked, “So why don’t you want to stay?”

You tugged at your earlobe and just said, “Take a guess.”

I thought back to the time I had spent recovering in the infirmary. We hadn’t talked much, because you had always busied about with other patients. The few times you were free, you had bounced from one foot to another. You always looked over your shoulder to make sure your patients were alright. You would be at a loss if there ever came a day that there was no one to heal.

I took a guess. “You hate being reminded of wasted lives?”

You shook your head. “I hate it when people glorify war. It was necessary, I get it, but I don’t feel like we should be telling those eleven year olds that you should die in battle.”

“We’re demigods. Our job is to fight monsters.”

“It doesn’t have to be.” You said, “There has to be more to our lives than fighting.”

“There is.” I thought of the times I sometimes let Jason fling his arm over my shoulder as he laughed and sung horribly in front of the campfires. I thought of the times some of the new campers had waved at me, and I had actually waved back. “There’s more to life than fighting monsters, but we still have to do it. You know half the evil mortals Gaea resurrected are still running about, right? And so are most of the monsters Gaea awoke. You’re making a big deal out of this.”

“Maybe if you had tried saving all of them and failed, you’d understand.” You were always brusque at first. Looking back, I think you reminded me of myself. You lashed out at a lot of people.

Of course, back then I wasn’t exactly in the mood for negotiations. Your words made me narrow my eyes. “I’m sorry I almost killed myself getting that stupid statue here.” I gestured in the rough direction of the _Athena Parthenos_ . “I’m sorry I didn’t watch out for _every single camper_ when I was almost fading away into nothingness. I’m sorry I just _stood by_ and watched Octavian kill himself.”

The venom in my voice made you step back several paces. I felt shadows swirling around me causing the temperature around us to drop by several degrees. Without waiting to listen to your response, I shadow travelled back to my dorm.

I know I shouldn’t have, but I did it to spite you. You didn’t let me shadow travel through the entirety of August, saying that I would fade away if I did anymore Underworld magic. I guess using shadow travel for trivial distances was a way to give you the finger.

My cabin quivered slightly as I regained my bearings, and I made sure I was still solid. I reached around and turned on the light. I had been doing some redecorating for when my dad started getting busy again. I had immediately tossed those stupid coffins out and replaced them with actual bunk beds with pitch black frames that looked pretty neat, if I say so myself.

I flopped down on my bed and tried to figure out what I had done wrong. I had never had much of an extended conversation with you, even those first few days after the war with that stupid “three days of bed rest” you had made me gone through.

I just shook my head and after a lot of consideration, decided I would just apologize for whatever you thought I did the next morning.

But I didn’t. Instead, you ambushed me as I jogged to practice my swordsmanship. I was running late, because those classes were just too early in the morning for me. You started running alongside me before I knew it and said, “Look, I’m sorry about yesterday. I was being a jerk.”

I was surprised enough to slow down to a brisk walk. “Well, I guess I shouldn’t have blown up at you either.”

“No, you had a right to.” You said, “I just had a rough day in the infirmary and I needed to take it out on someone. I know all you did for the camp. You didn’t deserve what I said.”

“There’s always sword fighting for taking out frustrations.” I said, “Or archery.”

“I’m no good at that.” You gave me a tentative smile. I might have returned it any other time, but I was late and it was still too early for a friendly conversation. Even Jason knew not to talk to me any time before noon. I just raised an eyebrow at you and said, “Child of Apollo that’s bad at archery?”

“Apollo gives us many, uh, talents.” You looked bitter about that, and back then I thought it was because you hadn’t inherited any archery abilities from your dad.

“All you need is practice.” I said, “Couldn’t you ask your siblings for help?”

“I could, but I want to focus on healing.” you said, “There are enough half-bloods trying to kill things as it is.”

“You could do without being so judgmental.” I said, “You realize we need to kill monsters before they kill us, right?” By now the rings where half-bloods practiced their sword work was in sight, and I felt eager to get away from you.

You thought for a bit, then said, “Probably. I’m sorry.” You hesitated, and then asked, “Can you sense deaths? I mean, if I told you to track down a soul in the Underworld, could you do it?”

This wasn’t a request I got often, but one of Mercury’s kids from the Roman camp had asked me. He had looked at me like I was some exhibition, like I was born to let people stare at me. I had coldly told him that I could kill him and see if I could track his soul before walking away.

You didn’t have those intentions. I frowned and said, “Sometimes. I sense a lot of death.”

“There was one here. Yesterday morning. Did you sense anything?”

“I don’t think so. Was it violent?”

You shook your head and said, “No, it was an infection I couldn’t cure. But she passed away, well, peacefully. In the end I could only give her something for the pain.”

I wanted to get away from you and focus on bashing inept campers with my sword. But Jason had drilled into me the importance of listening to other people, and I had to admit, I wanted to do _something_. Death and guilt was something I was very familiar with. Guilt more so than death.

“Is that why you were, uh,” I struggled to think of a tactful word to describe you lashing out at me last night.

“I was a jerk, you can say it.” You gave me a wan smile. “And yeah, I guess I was still feeling responsible for not being able to cure her, and that put me in a mood for the sing-a-long.”

“I’m sure you did all you could.” I said. I wondered if it would be an appropriate time to rest my hand on your shoulder, but I didn’t want to risk it.

You gave me that bitter smile again and shrugged. “Yeah, I guess.”

Something felt off, and I asked, “Is there more? How did this camper die? I haven’t heard about it.” Not that it meant much. I tried to stay as far away as I could from all the gossip around camp.

“I don’t even know her name.” You said, “She was a new half-blood being brought in from Pittsburgh. Her Satyress, Lily, died fending off a stray _dracnae_ , but the camper still got bit. She somehow made her way here, but the infection was too much.” You shrugged. “But hey, not my fault, right? That’s what everyone keeps on telling me.”

I felt inadequate for this. I wanted to get Jason here. He was always the one with something nice to say. I was the one who always nodded and grunted, the one who said something insensitive and stupid and scare you off.

I didn’t say anything something stupid, but what happened was worse. My stomach rumbled the same way Tyson’s stomach rumbled whenever peanut butter wormed its way into the conversation. I blushed and you cocked your head at me. “What did you have for breakfast?”

“I didn’t. I just woke up.” I didn’t realize what a huge mistake I had made, but before I could take it back, hell unleashed itself on me.

Okay, as someone who has a room reserved for him there, I can say that it wasn’t that bad. But it came close. Your jaw dropped as if I’d confessed to murdering Chiron and you started dragging me to the Big House. I was so surprised that I even let you for several seconds before I ripped my arm away from your grip. “What’s your problem?”

“What’s _my_ problem? What’s yours?” You asked, “Breakfast’s the most important meal of the day. You can’t do sword fighting without food in your stomach. You have to start your metabolism with _something_.”

I let you rant on about low blood sugar levels as I tried to process what was happening. It took my brain several more seconds to realize that you were getting legitimately worked up over me skipping a meal. I couldn’t believe it. “I’ve done this before. I’m not going to collapse because I haven’t eaten anything. And you don’t need to start yelling at me just because I haven’t eaten anything.”

I remembered why I found you so annoying. I liked being around you in short doses, but you were incredibly forceful around me. I hated that. You seemed to realize that you had been crossing a line as well. You took a deep breath and said, “Sorry, I just care about these things.” You dug a sandwich out of your pocket. “Here, just eat this on your way, okay?”

I was sorely tempted to shake my head and shadow travel less than a hundred metres, just for you. But you were looking at me with such hopeful eyes like an earnest puppy begging for a treat that I couldn’t help but nod. I rolled my eyes and stuck out my hand for you to place the sandwich in.

I normally would have commented on the potential safety hazards of being in your pocket, but knowing you, you probably disinfected your clothes twice a day. I walked away with the sandwich in my hand, deliberately making sure you saw me not eating it. As I approached the Ares kids, I stuffed the sandwich in my jacket pocket and got ready to work up a sweat.

* * *

 

Jason always found time for me. I appreciated it more than I ever told him. Back then, he was the one I talked to most. Reyna and Hazel were always busy at New Rome, and Percy and Annabeth were in New York living their own lives for once. Jason was usually gone appeasing old spirits, but he used Camp Half-Blood as a place to rest, and when he did, we talked.

“He’s just so aggressive, it makes me wonder how he can actually cure any of his patients.” I was ranting about you. It had been several days after the incident with the sandwich, and after that argument, I seemed to see you everywhere. When I was brushing up on my archery, I saw you walking from the climbing wall back to the infirmary. When I groggily stumbled out of the Hades cabin every morning, I usually saw you jogging back to the Apollo cabin. The sun always lit up your hair.

Just seeing how perky you were every morning annoyed me.

“Is he really that annoying?” Jason asked, “He seems like a pretty good guy. Even jerks like Samuel don’t set you off like this.” He had taken his shoes off and let his feet dangle in the lake we were sitting by.

“There’s just something about him.” I replied, “With Samuel, I can ignore him, because a lot of Ares kids are assholes, and I can deal with those. But Will just keeps on bothering me without even trying. I notice him everywhere!” I sighed and lay back on the wooden pier. “I know he’s got his heart in the right place, but he seriously goes overboard all the time.”

“Well, is it personal?” Jason asked, “Does he do this to everyone?”

“I’m pretty sure he doesn’t.” I said, “If he did, he wouldn’t be loved by all the campers.” It was true. You had bandaged up more than half of the camp, and they remembered it.

“So you’re annoyed because it seems that he only goes overboard with you?”

“Well, that actually never occurred to me, but now it really does annoy me.” I threw my hands up in the air. “I just don’t know what to do. When we’re having dinner, I catch him staring at me. A lot. And I bet he’s judging me for Zeus knows what.”

“And he seems to be on your mind a lot?” Jason sounded like he was holding back a laugh, which always put me on guard.

I sat up and looked at him. “Yeah, why?”

“No, nothing.” Jason got up and said, “Well, it’s been a long day. You will not believe how picky sand goddesses can be sometimes. If their shrines are missing just one column...” He then grinned and said, “And if you need other people to talk to, I’m sure Piper would be happy to give advice.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Jason laughed again and shook his head. “No, nothing. Just don’t overthink this. Look, you don’t know what to make of Will, right? How about you try to spend more time with him and tell him why you find him annoying. Maybe that will give you a better sense of why you’re always thinking about him.”

It made sense. I had run from several of my problems in the past, and I didn’t want to make a habit of it. I thanked Jason for his time and headed off to dinner. He told me he would be a little late, but he would see me there. As well as appease the gods, he and the Satyrs also kept an eye on the remnants of Gaea’s army.

I walked past Hera’s cabin and tried to figure out how I would approach you. It had seemed simple when Jason had said it, but the logistics involved suddenly seemed daunting. Would I try to visit you in the infirmary? Would I just wait until I happened to see you alone and then corner you? Jason told me to _spend time with you_ but that was very vague. What did that even mean? What would we do?

I made myself more and more nervous and decided to ask Jason for more clarification after dinner. I thought that I could go over the nuances of _hanging out_ with him, although when I thought about it, I realized that Jason had made all of his friends while fighting giants. I didn’t think that would work in our case.

The idea of talking to Piper and the Aphrodite kids was getting more and more tempting, and that thought horrified me more than anything. By now I was almost at the table and had resolved to avoid all eye contact with you until tomorrow, when I would clearly express my thoughts and hopefully clear the air.

I didn’t. I ran into you sooner—and more literally—than I had expected. You had probably called out to me, but my thoughts had been elsewhere and you had been standing right in front of me.

“Are you alright?” You asked. I rolled my eyes and said, “Believe it or not, I’ve faced worse.”

“You weren’t at dinner, so I was worried.”

“You seriously came looking for me just because I didn’t show up for one meal?” I remembered what I found so infuriating about you and quickly ploughed onwards to avoid a rant about having three meals a day. “Okay, you’ve got a problem.” That was a bad way to start the conversation, but your sudden appearance made me want to dive straight into…whatever Jason had pushed me towards.

“What?”

“You fuss over me like I’m eight. You treat me like I’m made of glass. You’re not my mom, Will! So stop acting like one. It’s really pissing me off, _especially when you treat me to stupid lectures on nutrition_ of all things.” There was so much more that I wanted to say, but I didn’t. I took a deep breath and waited tentatively for your response.

You just blinked at me. I had expected you to yell back at me or show some kind of extreme emotion, but you didn’t. Instead you just rubbed the back of your head and said, “I’m sorry, I guess. I just, I don’t know, it’s hard to explain.”

“I’m sorry we’re always yelling at each other.” I said, “It’s just, well, why are you always on my back about the dumbest things?”

“It’s complicated.”

“In other words it’s simple, but you don’t want to talk about it.” Much later, you told me I had sounded angry and confrontational. I had laughed because back then I felt like I was sliding down an icy mountain with less control than Percy on a motorbike. My mouth was acting on instinct while my mind was horrified at what I was saying

“No, it’s complicated and I don’t want to talk about it.” You said.

“Well, we’ve got all night.” I said, “Oh, wait, that would mean missing dinner, and we can’t have that.”

“Are you seriously bringing that up?” You were finally getting annoyed, and I didn’t know if that was a good or bad thing.

“Why shouldn’t I? You keep on pestering me about it. The world doesn't end if I skip a meal.”

“Okay, I don’t know why I’m always on your back.” You said, “You really want to know the answer? I don’t know. That’s the answer. That’s the truth. I just see you, and you’re so much more human than I first thought. And, I dunno, I first saw you when I was twelve and you seemed like some sort of superhero, and—“

“Wait, what?” I was taken aback. “What are you talking about?” A superhero? Me? This conversation had taken so many turns I didn’t even know what I wanted to tell you anymore.

You blushed and stuffed your hands in your pockets. “It was during the battle of the labyrinth. I was standing on the sidelines, but we were losing. And then I saw you, and I thought you were a random camper like me. But then you made an entire army crawl out of the ground and saved us all.”

“It was Briares and Daedalus who saved us.” Daedalus had been the first human I had killed. I had set his soul free, but I had killed him nonetheless. He lost his life just as he started living it.

“You’re probably right.” Your voice tugged me out of my reverie. “But I just remember how you saved us that day, and how you saved us by bringing your dad’s army to the base of the Empire State Building when the rest of us were all taken out a year later. And I thought you were amazing.”

“You were just a kid.” I said, “You were wrong.”

“I was.” You admitted, “When I saw you fade away as we battled giants, it made me realize you were human. And that scared me, because you were doing more than a human could do, and I just see you push yourself so hard, and I don’t want you to, well, I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

“Nothing’s going to happen.” I said, “If we could defeat Gaea, we can deal with whatever monsters come our way.” I then paused and said, “And don’t start with how we should all try to kill less just because you’re afraid of death.”

You smiled bitterly at the ground, like that night you had told me a camper had died of an infection. “I’m not afraid of death.”

A lot of people said that, but few did it with the upturn of the lips that barely passed as a smile. Few did it with glazed eyes and a mind that dragged them to the past. I believed you. “Neither am I. There are things that are a lot worse than the Fields of Asphodel.”

“You’ll make Elysium for sure.”

I blushed and tried to ignore that comment. “I guess you’re no stranger to death either.”

Jason had once told me that I had looked like a brooding and dangerous king of death on the _Argo II_ after they had rescued me from Otis and Ephialtes. He had described how I would glare at the mast like it had personally insulted me. In that moment, I think you gave me the same look. You glared at the ground and suddenly looked older than Chiron. For a moment, I was intimidated by this new version of you. This version of you was an extension of that bitter smile you would sometimes let slip. It was as if the calm healer in you was just a mask that you only let slip off now.

“I’m sorry.” I said, “We don’t have to talk.” I could understand if you felt awkward. I only realized then that our chests were less than half a foot apart. I could feel your breathing tickle my forehead. The faint smell of antiseptic made me blush.

“I want to. I just don’t know how.” I remember how my skin tingled as I watched your lips move. I tried looking you in the eye, but it was too painful. They were like uncut gemstones that had been hardened over time. You then said, “Whenever some camper dies and people say I did all I could, it’s so hollow. I…”

You trailed off. I thought you might finally say what was on your mind, but you didn’t. It took a funeral shroud and a kiss of ash to expose that secret.

“People don’t know anything about death.” I said. “We live like it won’t affect us. Like it’s something that only happens to other people. No wonder people suck at talking about it.”

My hands were stuck in my pockets, as usual, but for once I wish they weren’t. I wanted to hug you, wanted to let you know, physically, you weren’t alone. But the distance between us had never been so small and huge at the same time.

You cleared your throat and stepped back. “I always admired how you’re ruler of the dead, but you use it to protect people.”

“My dad’s ruler of the dead, not me.” I said. That probably wasn’t the part of the conversation you wanted to focus on. I thought about it and said, “Death isn’t good or evil. It just is.”

“Some people still think it’s something evil.” You said, “But you’re at ease with your powers. I wish I could be like that.”

“Don’t you get your powers of healing from your dad? I thought you’re pretty confident at that, considering you stay in the infirmary more than your cabin.”

Once again, that bitter smile skittered across your face before quickly fading. You said, “I didn’t inherit healing from my dad. I had to work to get good at it.”

“So what did you inherit?”

You slowly opened your mouth and your eyes darted to and fro like you were a cornered animal. My heart was beating faster and faster, and I thought I would finally uncover some hidden secret that shaped the complexities behind that bitter smile of yours.

I didn’t.

“Hey, Will!” Another camper jogged over and was waving to us. “I was wondering where you were. The teams for capture the flag were just announced.” I vaguely recognized him from somewhere, though at that moment I wanted to open the ground to swallow him up for ruining…whatever had been going on between you and I.

“You know the teams?” You asked, automatically putting on the sunny disposition you were known for around camp.

“It’s a long list because there are loads of cabins now. I sort of forgot.” The other camper admitted, “But we’re on the same one.”

“That’s awesome, Cecil.” You said, and I remembered that Cecil and Lou Ellen had fought alongside me during the Giant War. “I’ll see you there.”

Cecil nodded and jogged away. You turned back to me and said, “Well, Nico, this was actually a good talk. I know things got awkward during the middle, but, well, thanks.”

I felt a rush in the bottom of my stomach when I heard you say my name. I wanted you to say it again, but I didn’t tell you _that_. Instead, I said, “If we’re on opposite teams, don’t expect me to go easy on you.”

You laughed, and it was a sound that seemed as genuine and carefree as a summer breeze. “Likewise. I am not getting stuck with doing extra dishes if I can help it.”

That was when I remembered Jason’s suggestion to get to know you better. I took a deep breath and stuttered, “Would you like to hang out? Like, not just for the capture the flag, I mean, you know, like friends.”

You smiled at me, and this time I smiled back. You tilted your head and asked, “Is Nico di Angelo, the most reclusive demigod alive, asking me to hang out?”

“Don’t make me repeat myself.” My face flushed with embarrassment.

“I’d love to.” You said, “Come over to the infirmary whenever.”

I grinned and nodded curtly before walking back to my cabin. I flopped down on my bed and started laughing to myself. For some reason, I felt as if I had just been in a close fight with monsters. My heart rate was still far higher than normal, and I was feeling lightheaded from happiness that could only be described as euphoria. I had even forgotten to eat dinner, and I couldn’t care less.

* * *

 

I was completely unprepared for you when I visited the infirmary the next day. You smiled briefly at me, then thrust several bottles of water into my arms. “Fill these up with hot water and pass them around to the ones I tell you.”

I nodded slowly and you added, “Plenty of people that need help. Let’s get to it.”

I did as you said, and continued to help out until your shift ended. You worked overtime, but I didn’t mind. There was a determination inside of you that insisted you lose no one. I admired it. I spent most of the shift watching you, the way you would firmly press down on a wound, or tie up a splint without needing to pay attention.

When you and I left the infirmary, I yawned. “Is that how you normally make friends, Solace?”

“The infirmary is where I practically live.” You laughed, “If you’re going to like me, you’re going to like the infirmary.”

“Not that I have anything against breathing in antiseptic for a few hours a day, but how about we don’t spend all of our time in there. You need a break once in a while.”

“I do take breaks.”

“You literally worked an hour longer than your shift required, and you didn’t exactly take any breaks while I was watching.”

“You were watching me?” You let one of your rare smiles flit across your face.

I gave you a flat stare. “Don’t push it.”

He smiled again and said, “Alright, next time we won’t go to the infirmary.”

True to your word, the next time we hung out was in the arts and crafts tables. I’ll admit it was more exciting than it sounded. You introduced me to Lou Ellen, who was making enchanted necklaces with Cecil. Apparently they would turn whoever wore them into guinea pigs for an hour or so. Cecil grinned as he told you how he was going to distribute them around camp.

“The guinea pigs won’t spread diseases will they?” You asked with a slight frown.

We all laughed at your zealousness and Cecil said, “Not unless any of the Aphrodite kids are already down with the Bubonic plague.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if something was lying dormant in the Ares cabin.” Lou Ellen whispered, “The stink that comes out of that room is horrendous. I’m not sure they even know how to wash their armour.”

Even you cracked a smile at that while the rest of us laughed. Cecil talked about another plan he had that involved paint, itching powder, and dream catchers. Even now memories of Cecil make me smile. I could understand why we were drawn to him. He was ambitious and mischievous at the same time. He was daring where we were cautious. He bragged about running away from the Athena kids with abandon.

If their performance in capture the flag was any indication, there was no outmaneuvering them.

“Why can’t you shadow travel to the flag?” You hissed at me while Ares campers fired explosive arrows at the trees we were hiding amongst.

“Maybe because _I don’t know where it is_.” I sent a couple of skeleton soldiers out to fight in our stead, but they were blown up before getting anywhere near them. “Besides, we were supposed to hold in position.”

“I don’t trust Connor and Travis to do good tactics.” You said, “Seriously, why are Ares and Athena on the same time? That just isn’t fair.”

“Hey, my brothers aren’t stupid.” Cecil said, “And I got a couple tricks of my own.” He held up what looked like bath bombs and started throwing them. Pungently sweet smoke started wafting from them, but now sounds of squealing guinea pigs replaced battle cries.

Cecil laughed and ran through the forest only to get turned into a guinea pig himself as the wind blew the smoke in our direction. I had just enough time to see you turn into a guinea pig too before I shadowed travel back to our base, just in time to see our team get overrun by the Athena kids.

I teased you about that incident for days afterwards. You always shoved me around for it, but you did it with a smile. Cecil and Lou Ellen swore not to speak of that incident again, but I have huge doubts about Hermes’ children and their discretion.

The story about you turning into a guinea pig spread like wildfire.

* * *

 

I can’t think of anything else to write. I’ve been putting it off, trying to live in the weeks where there was nothing between us, no guilt, no deaths, no plague eating you up inside. It wasn’t perfect, but it was the closest thing we had. But I’m writing this to come to terms with everything. With missing you, and moving on, and forgiving myself. So I need to keep on going. I need to write about Echidna, and Kayla, and loving you. And maybe by the end, I’ll figure out if I regret any of it.


	2. Chapter 2

I didn’t think that things might change so fast. I knew Satyrs and other nature spirits were sighting more monsters that had been summoned by Gaea and had run when it became clear they had lost. I had known that we would have to fight. I just didn’t expect memories of the guinea pig incident to suddenly seem so distant.

A squad of campers were sent to hunt Echidna. Satyrs had sighted her in Maryland, and Chiron had sent a team to hunt it down. There would have been a quest, but we still hadn’t sorted out the problem with Python blocking up Rachel’s oracle powers, and Mr. D had told us that the gods were handling it.

Chiron sent out five of us: enough to handle Echidna but not enough to attract even more monsters. The team comprised of me, you, Kayla, Samuel and Eleanor. You remember Kayla, of course. She was one of your friendlier siblings. Sam was an Ares camper that liked swinging around an axe that was almost as big as his ego. He was one of the best fighters in camp, even if he was a huge asshole. He and Kayla would get into the dumbest arguments, and you always had to break them up.

Eleanor was a Satyress that helped us track Echidna. I liked her because she drove Sam crazy with the sounds that would come out of her reed pipes. I personally found the sounds grating on the ears as well, but she just gave us the finger and told us we didn’t appreciate dubstep.

I still don’t know how she could get her reed pipe to play any of it.

Tracking Echidna was easy. Eleanor would pull out gages and various piercings from her ears, lip, and gods knows where else, throw them with a bunch of acorns, then let loose some electronic music from her reed pipes. She said it was a new age tracking spell, and seeing as it led us straight to Echidna, I guess it must have worked. It still sounded like a lot of mechanical whining and static to me.

Aside from an embarrassing explosion on the Amtrak that I blame on Sam, we found Echidna without much trouble. At first I thought she was an old woman lost in the country park. She even had a handbag and asked us if we could help her. But then Eleanor had pointed at the woman with a trembling fingernail that she had painted black and said, “That’s her.”

We didn’t have the time to get into formation. We had agreed that Sam and I would lead the attack, while Kayla and Eleanor were meant to attack from afar. You were there mainly for first aid.

We hadn’t expected Echidna to spring into action so quickly. Her torso split into dozens of snake heads that lunged towards us. Sam went down screaming. The snakes burrowed into his eye sockets and his blood sizzled as it mixed with Echidna’s venom. I barely leapt away from the horde of snakes and that was only because Kayla shot down the snakes that were about to bite me.

I landed and Eleanor quickly played a bass drop from her reed pipes, causing a knee-high wall of thorns to surround us.  That gave us a few seconds of breathing room, and I spread my hands and summoned as many dead soldiers as I could. Skeletons wearing uniforms belonging to World War Two soldiers rose from the ground, and they came with two mounted machine guns.

I had never been more thankful as they started shooting at the snakes that advanced towards us. You and Kayla were also frantically shooting arrows at the snakes while Eleanor tried to keep the wall of thorns intact with her dubstep reed pipe playing. Echidna’s snakes were dissolving the thorns with each bite they managed to take.

I summoned more skeletons, and this time I got half a dozen medieval knights in plate armor sitting on skeletal horses. I sent them charging over the wall and into the mass of snakes.

I stared at the battle, feeling the skeleton warriors draining my strength. The army of snakes was thinning out, but Echidna was nowhere to be seen. I turned around only to see Echidna lunging towards Kayla. I yelled a warning and she rolled out of the way. I commanded the soldiers to concentrate their machine gun fire on Echidna, and before she could move away, she was being blasted by a storm of steel.

Monsters couldn’t be killed without celestial bronze, but being mowed down by machine gun fire slowed her down. I was about to try and chop off her head when you darted around her with a knife in your hand. I told my soldiers to stop firing, and charged in behind you. You slashed at Echidna’s head, but she turned at the last minute and your knife nicked her collarbone. I lunged in with my sword and struck into her shoulder, but neither strikes were fatal. She snarled at me and used her giant serpent’s tail to knock me several metres into a nearby tree.

I groaned and tried to get up, but my head was spinning from being slammed into a hundred year old pine tree. She sprang towards me, but Kayla tackled her and the two of them wrestled on the ground. Blood flew around them, and in my half-conscious state I couldn’t tell who it belonged to. Kayla’s knives turned into fangs, which turned into arrowheads, and then back to knives. 

Then you yelled. The sound flung me back to the ground, and my head exploded with pain. 

I don’t remember the rest of the fight. I groaned as consciousness returned, and dragged myself over to you and Eleanor. That was when I saw Echidna groaning on the floor, while blood and pus leaked out of the huge wounds we had inflicted. I stabbed my sword into her head, and her body dissolved, leaving a huge snakeskin lying on the ground. It was a spoil of war. Eleanor was standing to the side and staring at you like she was afraid.

“What happened?” I croaked. I stepped on brittle thorns that snapped underfoot. You were kneeling in front of Kayla and convulsing with your back to me. It was only when I knelt beside you that I realized you were crying silently.

You gestured at Kayla. You had pulled her shirt up to expose half a dozen bite marks in the fleshy side of her stomach. It had crusted over with black and green pus, and I almost vomited from the smell. “Will, this was Echidna. You couldn’t—“

“Don’t.” You growled. “Don’t you dare say it.”

“Say what? That it wasn’t your fault?”

“Yes!” You punched the ground with both of your fists. “I hear it over and over again, and it’s the biggest lie I have ever heard!”

“How was this your fault?” I had started yelling. Kayla and Sam had died, and I  _ needed  _ you. I barely knew them but they had died, and that seemed like such a tragedy I wanted to hold onto something, anything.

You didn’t yell back at me. You didn’t glare at me. You didn’t put up a fight. Your tone took on the quality of a corpse. “Do you know how I killed Echidna?”

I didn’t.

“Apollo’s the god of a lot of things.” You looked at your open palms as if they were painted with blood. “You know a couple. Archery, healing, music, even prophecy. But there are other traits he occasionally gives his kids that aren’t as benign. He’s also god of the plague.”

A chill went down my spine as several things suddenly made sense. The way you always gave that bitter smile when you talked about people you had failed to save. “You think that when you can’t save campers, you lost control of your powers.”

“It happens. It happened to my mom. I lost control and I…” You took a deep breath. “I killed her.”

“Will.” I didn’t know what to say and I had never felt so useless in my life. How could I possibly know how you felt?”

“I lost control.” You said, “I unleashed a plague on Echidna. With the wounds we inflicted on her, she died quickly. But so did Kayla.”

“You couldn’t have known she had been bitten.” I said.

“Does it matter? I killed her. If it was just Echidna’s venom I could have stopped it. I could have saved her.” You punched the ground again. “It’s always the same. I could be doing  _ so much _ if it wasn’t for my  _ fucking  _ inheritance.”

I had never heard you swear before. I stood back as you sobbed over Kayla’s body.

The trip back passed in a blur. Eleanor wordlessly guided us back to camp, and we carried Kayla and Sam’s body back. Sam’s body started stinking within hours from the poison rotting at him from the inside. We still carried him. You insisted on carrying Kayla’s body the entire way on a litter we had made like she was your personal burden to bear.

Maybe she was.

We held hands as we burned her funeral shroud. We were with her when she had died, so we stood closest to the fires. The smoke and heat seared my skin and I turned away. You didn’t. You let tears stream down your face and stared at Kayla’s body blackening into ash.

We stood there until everyone had left and the fire had died down to embers that winked in the darkness. Night had fallen. Our clothes smelt like smoke, and your face was covered with soot. Kayla had burned away. She was gone.

But you weren’t.

You turned to me and, with a dry throat, you croaked, “Nico. What do I do?”

My world shuddered as you gasped out my name so desperately. We were alone, in so many senses. There was no one around us, and no one to know how Kayla actually died. I didn’t know what to do. How could I?

I heard Jason’s voice in my head saying,  _ “Don’t overthink it.” _

I looked at your wide eyes. I was painfully aware of your hand clenched in mine. “Will.” I said your name again and tried to say something else.

I didn’t need to.

You leaned down and pressed your mouth to my slightly parted lips. I didn’t hesitate. We weren’t tentative. We weren’t scared. There was something between the two of us that just let us know. My tongue brushed your lips and you tasted like tears and smoke. You tasted bitter from the fire and salty from your tears, and it seemed so  _ right _ , because there was so much bitterness and sorrow contained in that one body I was clutching, yet there was so much more.

I clawed at your shirt and pulled you closer to me. We clung to each other and I wanted to feel closer to you. I wanted to know every inch of you. It seemed so wrong to be doing something like this by the ashes of a fallen comrade, but I didn’t care, and neither did you. No more secrets between us. No more barriers.

You tugged at my hair as we kissed and ran your hand up my shirt. I shivered as you gasped out my name again and I moved my mouth away from yours and sucked at your neck. I grinned as that earned me another utterance of my name as you dug your fingers into the small of my back.

We kissed and grasped at each other frantically like we were the eyes of a storm, and to let go would be to fall into the whirlwind of chaos around us. I opened my eyes and saw the drops of sweat and smudges of ash on your shoulder. I looked up and saw you looking down at me. For a brief moment we paused and our hands were stationary.

I opened my mouth and wanted to say that I loved you. I knew it in the agitated pounding in my heart and the tingling in the spots where you had clawed at me. But you leaned down and started kissing me again, and I was swept away by your sheer need.

After an indeterminate amount of time, we finally broke away. Tears still streaked our faces, and I realized that we had been crying even while we had kissed and held onto each other. I had barely known Kayla, but she meant so much to you that her death was a tragedy.

Your hands gently stroked my arms. Kayla’s ashes blew about in the gentle wind and our tears mingled on the charred ground beneath our feet. I looked into the future and I was scared. Things had shifted irrevocably, and I already knew that despite now being closer to you than I had been to anyone before, I would yearn for the past.

I didn’t expect you to be free of Kayla’s death any time soon, but I didn’t expect you to undergo such a drastic change either. You barely spent any time in the infirmary; instead, you insisted that Chiron send you out into the field more. Satyrs were still reporting stray monsters causing more devastation than before, and demigods were rushing in and out of the camp killing monsters.

There had always been an unbridled intensity inside of you, but it only now rose to the surface. I would accompany you on whatever missions I could, but Chiron normally sent me on solo missions because I was more powerful than the rest. He also sent you on more solo missions. We didn’t talk about why, but we both knew it was so you wouldn’t hurt anyone with your powers, which you used more and more extensively.

We didn’t talk about your own sorrow, and I thought that with your missions to occupy you, the clenching of your jaw and the constant narrowing of your eyes would slowly fade. I thought you were getting over Kayla in your own way.

Every time we came back safely from a mission and saw each other we would embrace each other and cling to one another. Some nights and we would twist and tangle about in my bed. Sometimes we wouldn’t even kiss. Sometimes I would hold you and rest my chin between your collarbone and listen to you talk about the plagues you were unleashing on the monsters.

“Doesn’t it scare you?” You asked, about a month after Kayla’s death.

“I know you can handle a few Telekhines.” I playfully tugged your earlobe, trying to distract you. It rarely worked.

“No, me. I should scare you.” You ran your soft fingers down my back, which had the opposite effect.

“I don’t scare that easy, Solace.” 

But it was hard convincing you, remember? Gods, you were stubborn. You tried to break up three times, and every time would play the same as the last. You would stride back and forth in my cabin while I sat on the bed yelling back. You’d storm out, vowing to leave me alone for my own good, and then that night, or the night after, you would return on my doorstep looking like a dog on the verge of death. I didn’t notice how full of self-loathing you were those nights. How you let me put my hands, my mouth, wherever I wanted. Or maybe I just didn’t want to know. I would wrap my arms around you and whisper your name in your ear over and over again, and eventually you would reciprocate.

I’m going to admit something to you, to your phantom that might one day read this, that I never told anyone else. I think I enjoyed it. I enjoyed having you, and knowing that no matter how hard you tried, you would always come back to me. You can hate me for it if you want. You should. I truly loved you, even though I never said it. But I hurt you more than Echidna or Kayla or any monster ever could. 

“You never smile anymore.” We were standing behind the Hades cabin. I used my hand to slowly trace a path down your jaw.

“I’m sorry.” You looked guilty and I quickly tried to reassure you. “Hey, it’s natural. We’re all feeling the stress.”

“It’s just that camp life seems so normal.” You said, “We’re leaving camp more and more, but everybody’s still so happy and cheerful. It’s like we’re alienated from everyone else.”

I had found myself drifting away from everyone as well. I hadn’t written back to Hazel in almost two months, and I avoided Jason on the rare occurrences that he did come back to camp. He and Piper were almost always on the move now, accommodating all the different gods that had been forgotten. We hadn’t asked Percy and Annabeth to help. The general consensus was that they had gone through too much, and deserved to be free of monsters.

“Have you considered telling more people?” I asked.

You shook your head. The motion brushed your hair against my face and tickled. “It’s selfish, but I don’t want people to think I’m something to be feared. I don’t want to admit what I am.”

I didn’t know how to respond to that. I just let my head rest against your shoulder. We would usually stay in solemn silence. We reassured each other by our mere presence.

“It’s getting so easy to use.” You said several days later. I didn’t need to ask what you were talking about. You had just returned from a long mission that took you to Ohio. “It doesn’t always work with the larger monsters, but monsters like the  _ karpoi _ fall almost instantly.

“ _ Karpoi _ ?”

“Grain monsters. Very dangerous. They were in danger of taking over the entirety of the Midwest.”

I didn’t know if you were joking. “Good thing you were there.”

“Everything died.” Will shook his head. “The monsters, the corn, entire fields just wilted.”

I just nodded and said, “It’s getting easier to summon dead soldiers too.”

“Have you been fading away again?”

“I would tell you. It’s fine when I don’t shadow travel with other people.”

There was another silence, and then you asked, “Do you ever wonder what we’re doing?”

“What do you mean?” This was never the start of a good conversation. 

“We’ve changed so much. Remember when all we used to worry about was capture the flag games, or some prank the Hermes kids pulled off?”

“Like the guinea pig incident?”

You gave a small chuckle. It was so shallow and brief it sounded like a cough. You didn’t respond, and I tried to keep talking. “There are more monsters out there. Maybe that’s what’s changed.” I said.

You shook your head. “There aren’t that many more. It’s us that’s changed, not the world around us.” You sat down on my bed and rested your head in your open palms. “I wish we could go back to how we used to be.”

“You mean when you used to annoy me and act like my mom?”

“Yeah, that.” You said, “Everything seemed so carefree.”

“You were never carefree.”

“You know what I mean.” You looked up at me and placed a hand on my cheek. “I feel like I’m always moving, always fighting, and I can’t rest for the life of me.”

I clasped your hand in mine and nodded. I did know what you meant. I did understand that Kayla’s death clung to us like grains of sand embedded in our skin. Whenever I fought a hydra, or drove a minotaur back, the image of Kayla’s body rotting with poison drove me forward. I knew that her ghost weighed heavier on you, but there were some things we never talked about.

It was impossible, of course, but we kept trying despite everything. Cecil had died a week ago, after running afoul of a Hydra.  You didn’t even attend the funeral. I did. I knew the two of you used to be friends. It felt right that one of us should be there.

Connor had given Cecil a short eulogy as another one of us became smoke. I was surprised to see that I didn’t recognize a lot of the campers. The gods had been busy, and the Satyrs must have been working overtime to recruit all of them. It was sad that they had to arrive at a time of such sorrow. Percy hadn’t seen anyone die his first three years he had been here.

You didn’t attend any funerals after that either. You missed the one after Cecil’s and I tried to find you later, but you weren’t in either of our cabins. You were in the infirmary. There were only a few campers in here. You stood in the doorway and scanned the room that had once been your second home. One of the injured campers smiled and raised a hand in greeting. You returned it with a curt nod. Then you left.

You sat down in the grass by outside the infirmary and clenched your hand into a fist. Your jagged and dirty nails dug into your own skin. You started crying and I looped my arm around your waist. You leaned against me and said, “I don’t know why I went back. It’s been months.”

“You needed something to hold onto.” I said. You did just that and laced your arm around my shoulders.

“I couldn’t stand it when Jonathan waved to me.” You said, “I hate it when people still think I’m some healer. No one understands why I’m not in the infirmary. I had to tell Chiron about my powers in order to get him to send me on solo missions. But everyone keeps reminding me of how much trust they had in me, and how much they relied on me.” You snorted. “They couldn’t be more wrong. They’re better off without me.”

“We’re not.” I squeezed your hand and said, “ _ I’m  _ not better off without you. I—“ I wanted to say it.  Right there and right then. But I knew how much you hated expectations, and you would feel guilty that you didn’t live up to my love. You would feel inadequate and under pressure. So I didn’t say it. Instead, I said, “You saved me from Echidna. I would have died without you.”

You didn’t say anything, and I took that as an acknowledgment of what I said. We got up and walked over to my cabin. We held hands as we walked through camp, and only released each other when we were in my room. Then our bodies came alive and sprang into a frenzy. We kissed each other furiously and desperately, only pausing as we took off each others’ shirts. I pushed you down onto my bed and our fingers ran up and down our torsos.

Where there used to be sparks flying between us there was now a furnace, and I roasted in the intensity of your guilt and need. I felt a heat between my legs as you grinded against me and I gasped, arching my back to achieve the same friction.  You gnawed at my earlobe, and the sharp pain only made me more eager.

You undid my jeans with one hand and slipped your palm down my boxers with another. I didn’t bother with undoing trousers and stuffed both hands down to cup your backside and hips. We were littering our bodies with kisses as we bucked and grinded on top of sweat stained sheets. Your hand was jerking up and down, yanking gasps from my mouth with each motion. I did the same and you cried out my name in a way that gave me an even stronger rush than before.

We climaxed quickly. One after the other. My trousers were bunched around my knees when I orgasmed, and yours weren’t even down. Our damp hands slowly caressed each other. My heart was beating faster than it ever had and I clutched your bare torso like I could stop you from drifting away. You placed a kiss on my forehead and my cheek, and I turned my neck so our lips were locked in a leisurely kiss that seemed to last an age.

Unfortunately, it didn’t.

I interrupted the kiss by coughing. You pulled away as your eyes widened with horror. I wanted to tell you that it was just a little cough. That it was nothing to worry about. But my throat suddenly itched and when I opened my mouth, more coughs escaped. You sprang to your feet. You pulled your trousers back up and, before you had even buttoned up, sprinted out of the cabin.

I swore and followed you into the camp. People were coming back from the last funeral and were staring at us, but I didn’t care. I kept on running, but somehow you were able to outrun me and disappear into the forest. My breaths were coming in raspy wheezes, and when I coughed again, I realized just how much my muscles were aching. They were sore, even though I had barely exerted myself. My head was spinning. It was only when I lost my balance and fell onto the ground that I realized you had been right. You had lost control and made me sick.

I recovered after a day. It was just a fever. I stared at the infirmary ceiling and remembered the times when I would visit you to help.

_ “Plenty of people that need help. Let’s get to it.” _

_ “You’ll make Elysium for sure.” _

Your voice haunted me and echoed in my head. The minute your siblings had confirmed that I hadn’t carried anything deadly into camp, I dashed out to try and look for you.

You weren’t at camp. Chiron told me you were on a mission in Atlanta that would last at least a fortnight. I waited desperately for you. Luckily, monster sightings were getting rarer and Chiron didn’t need me on any missions. When you came back I rushed over to you, but you simply ignored me.

I grabbed onto your arm but you just shook me off and looked at me in anguish before turning your back on me.

I still see you now. Everything’s back to normal. Python was somehow vanquished again by your dad, which got him out of trouble with  _ his _ dad. So the Oracle’s up and running again, and I know I’m supposed to care. Monsters are under control, and campers aren’t dying anymore. Everything’s supposed to be alright now. Everyone’s happy.

But you aren’t. I sometimes go for days without seeing you, and we haven’t talked since then. My life seems to consist of eating, training, and spending the rest of my time in my cabin. The gods alone know how it doesn’t drive year long campers like Annabeth crazy.

I miss you. Every time I see you I try to run over and tell you that it’s alright, that  _ I’m _ alright. But you’re remarkable at avoiding me. And when I do get to talk to you, you just ignore me and try to walk away.

You’re being an idiot. I tell myself this every night I cry myself to sleep, but it doesn’t help at all. You lost control once and think that you’re unlovable. I just want to tell you you’re wrong, but you never did listen. You were always stubborn.

Not many people know you anymore. I sometimes ask what they remember, just out of curiosity. Surely there must be more to you than smoke and sickness. But as everyone talked about all you had done, and what you had accomplished, I realized that what you  _ hadn’t _ done was so much stronger. There was so much you hadn’t done, and so much we didn’t do. Kisses we had yet to exchange, caresses and whispers that went unheard, a life that went unlived, promises we hadn’t kept and words we never said.

Or maybe they were just words  _ I  _ had never said.

Maybe you had never thought them.

Or maybe I’m just being a delusional fool.

You won’t make Elysium. The gods are cruel. They won’t see what you did. They won’t see how you saved my life. They won’t see your passion burning in you like a furnace. They won’t see the boy who helped stop Gaea. They’ll see what you  _ didn’t _ do. They’ll see you fail to control yourself. They’ll see your failure to kill Echidna without any collateral. They’ll see everything that you could have done but didn’t, and they’ll condemn you to the Fields of Asphodel.

I’m not being bitter. I just know the gods.

I don’t think I’ll try to convince you anymore. At first it was all I could think about. But I don’t know if I would love what you are anymore. I don’t know if your weeks spent alone will have warped you beyond recognition, and honestly, I’m too scared to find out. I’ll tell you another secret I’ve barely admitted to myself: I’m not sure we  _ should _ be together. I needed you so badly, I didn’t think about what I could be doing to you. Kayla’s death had sent us into despair, and maybe we can’t dig ourselves out of it together. Maybe we drag each other down.

So I won’t try anymore. I’ll pray, for all the good it might do. I’ll try and get on with my life. The old you—the one I fell in love with—would have been aghast with how little I’ve been eating. I can hear you now.  _ “How do you think you’ll help anyone in that state? Come on, let’s get some food, and don’t think about sneaking away.” _

That would be good. To hear your concerned voice again, and maybe even to hear you say my name. But you won’t. Not now, and not ever again. And no matter how I appear in the day, when the sun goes down and I’m in my bed, I can’t help thinking of all the things we didn’t do, and all the things that could have been said. I think of all the opportunities there were to pull you away from the self-destructive path you headed down, and how, in the end, I didn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heya, hope you enjoyed! So this might be obvious, but I felt it was important to reiterate that the relationship Nico and Will had wasn't one to be idealized or sought after. I know not many people will read this, but I wouldn't want people to think that co-dependence is a form of romance after reading this. If you're in a relationship where you can't leave because of overwhelming guilt, you need to start thinking about what really makes you happy and whether you're happy in that relationship.
> 
> So now that the disclaimer's out of the way, I enjoyed looking back and reposting this. Thanks for reading!


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